My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
