Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
