No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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