so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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