you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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