All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
