So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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