Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize