It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
