Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
