Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
