nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
