see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
