when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
