just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
