woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize