ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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