I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
