I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize