New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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