I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
