my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
