This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
