I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
