Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
