Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize