I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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