btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
