Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
