Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
