i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize