she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
