Porn is love you can see.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
