I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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