dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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