I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
