Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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