i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
