Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
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