oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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