Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
