Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
