Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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