if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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