when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
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