I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
