Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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