So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She bit a glass in half.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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