I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
