Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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