I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
