The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize