I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
