i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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