I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
